Marriage MATERIAL or a LIVEly Daughter??

Ever since I have started working in a government organization, people around me keep saying, "your prospects of getting married to a nice guy are brighter and better now " I always feel like laughing at this illogical statement and I fail to understand why a job or its type is linked to marriage in India, more importantly, why is every fucking thing treated as an eligibility criteria for being an ideal marriage material for Indian girls? Right from her looks to her education, right from her health to her job, everything perhaps has one primary objective- to make her eligible for getting married, to make her perfect in every sense, not with an intention to teach her how to be a good citizen/woman/daughter/wife/mother, but with a fear in their minds, a fear that one day she has to get married and her future in laws expect her to be perfect!!
Confused?? Read the following points one by one, please note that every word is TRUE and REAL

• She is a school kid, like all kids of her age ,she loves playing and watching TV much more than cooking and other household chores, but her mother always tells her that if she does not learn how to cook ,she will be in deep trouble after she gets married, in fact ,this would act as a hindrance in their path to find a suitable match for her.. Why do we have to teach our kids in such a fashion that inculcates fear in them, that makes them feel scared of marriage and in laws at the age when they don't even know what marriage is? Why can't we simply tell them that they ought to learn things for their own good ?
• She is a bright student. She has always been a hard working and sincere girl. However, one fine day, when she could not score well in an exam, her mother warned her about competition for jobs , telling her that everyone 'asks' and 'demands' for working women these days..People say that nowadays parents consider education of their daughters as important as education for their sons, the exact reason lies in the previous statement! Can't she have her own ambitions? Shouldn't we ask her to work hard and be independent? Perhaps her own ambitions don't exist for all those people who think she should work only to meet the 'demands' of people looking for a working wife for their sons!
• She was a lively,bubbly college kid, she never cared about what others thought of her, her friends used to call her 'fatty' for she was slightly overweight, it never affected her much! One fine day , her mother told her, " Nobody would marry you if you continue to gain weight like this" and that was the first time when she was affected by a comment! Why can't we ask our daughters to take care of their own health and fitness in the first place? Isn't her well being important otherwise? Why is her being perfectly eligible for marriage more important than her being perfectly fit and fine? Aren't we responsible for making them feel confident ?
• She was a talented, creative fashion designer working for a boutique ,she wanted to have her own startup, but her family insisted that she should think of getting married now for she was 25 already! Why is society's pressure valued more than a girl's dreams and plans? Doesn't she have a right to be ambitious? Who makes these ridiculous rules? 

A mother can never even think of doing something that makes her daughter sad, yet,without realizing the emotional and psychological impact of all these things on her daughter, she continues to do so..why? The answer is simple. Indian parents are the victims of Indian society, they can't stand their daughters being not suitable in the eyes of the society! Sadly, even TV serials and movies promote the same culture, the same ideologies that preach that a girl's life is all about one major life event- marriage and her parents ought to prepare her for that right from the day she is born.

Marriage, undoubtedly , is like the biggest turning point in a person's life! But why do we expect a person to be perfect when we think of getting married? I find it incomprehensibly difficult to believe that people totally forget things like compatibility and mutual understanding! The irony is that they fail to realize that they are looking for a daughter-in-law, who is a human being, with her own flaws, her own qualities, her own beliefs, they are not going to buy a product with desirable configurations and specifications!

The message is simple and is dedicated to all Indian parents with an intention to make them understand something very important. She has her own life, her own identity! She doesn't deserve to be treated like a commodity in a market of cut throat competition! She deserves to be respected!
Love her, care for her , make her feel confident , make her feel beautiful, ask her to respect herself, teach her to love herself the way she is! Ask her to explore the whole world, teach her to be bold, be optimistic! Let her be free, let her discover herself, let her dream, let her aspire, let her strive for success, let her smile, let her be !

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WHEN A LIFE IS WORTH LESS THAN HONOUR

Honour killing..perhaps the most ironical phrase of the english language and the most shameful, brutal, heinous crime possible...

A girl was burnt alive for being in a relationship with a boy from a different caste..

A 19 year old girl and her boyfriend were bludgeoned with hammer and elecrocuted to death by her family in Delhi...

A young boy was killed for marrying a girl who belonged to the same gotra,his battered body was actually displayed in the village...

A 15 year old schoolboy and his girlfriend were killed in Greater Noida, by their own family members after they refused to end their affair...

Yes, honour-killing cases are rampant in most of the states of India, not only in India but also in other countries for that matter..

For the sake of the so-called 'izzat' in the society and to save the honour of the family,caste or religion, young men and women have been murdered by their own relatives and most shockingly, by their own parents in many of the cases..

I,being an agnostic,being completely against the caste system, find it incomprehensibly difficult to describe how shocked I was when I read those n number of cases.. How can a father kill his own daughter just for his family's reputation in the society? For me, the word called 'religion' does not exist,but it is considered to be above the life of an innocent human being for some people..A research paper by a Chandigarh based lawyer states that every year,over a 1000 people are killed in India in the name of honour.. And, on top of that,for every case that gets recorded, several others go unreported..

THE ROOT CAUSE

In villages, the main factors responsible are probably ignorance, superstitions and stereotyped views,their mentality and above all the Khap.. 

But if you think the main cause of honour killings is lack of education or the dictatorship of the khap, may be wrong..As a matter of fact, there have been many cases in areas like Delhi where the murderers were educated people from well-to-do families and the victims were, of course, their own children and family members..

If you think that caste-ism and orthodox attitude is responsible, you maybe wrong again..

Now, talking about the ultimate reason, well, obviously, a normal human being would never go to the extent of committing a crime as heinous as brutally killing someone close to him.. One of the most interesting aspect of the subject called psychology- crime and psychology- is probably the answer to this..

Every criminal commits the crime either for revenge or hatred or greed or insecurity..A thief or a robber kills for the greed of money, a rapist kills for lust, for sex.. All first degree murders are premeditated, i.e. they are planned, either for revenge or simply for hatred..

Now, when this feeling (of greed or revenge or hatred or insecurity or lust) overpowers an individual, it overtakes his conscience and he does not realize that its morally,socially, legally wrong and inhumane.. 

In case of honour killings, the main reason is perhaps insecurity- the fear of losing the so-called respect, reputation in the society.. the fear of not being able to follow the parampara (tradition).. its when this insecurity or this lust for honour and reputation overpowers him, he goes to the extent of taking away the life of his own son or daughter...

WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

No matter what the reason is, such an act can never be justified.. It is something that needs to be stopped at any cost, one of the worst social evils existing in India..

Union Minister for Law and Justice, M Veerappa Moily had recently said that they would be coming up with a stricter provision in the law to stop honour killings.. But are amendments in laws enough? Will stricter laws be able to stop, or for that matter, control the rising rate of the number of honour killings?

All the people living in cities and metropolitans are bound to be aware of the fact that murder or manslaughter is a crime, it is against the law and they are bound to be punished for the same..In spite of this, there have been many cases in places like Delhi, Noida etc. 

Moreover, in certain villages, the gram-panchayat had announced to hang boys and girls until death for marrying a person from the same gotra.. In rural areas of Haryana and a few other states, people actually believe that only whores choose their own partners.. Although killing women for dowry, killing innocent people in the name of tradition, in the name of honour, is not considered to be a crime in the same region, but a death sentence is announced for marrying a person from a different caste or from the same gotra..

Now the question arises, even if amendments are made in the laws, even if stricter laws are made, would this put an end to this brutal killing?
Well, as long as these stone-hearted fanatics have their orthodox views on, as long as they feel that young girls are like a 'burden' to the family, as long as izzat and parampara would remain more important than the lives of their daughters and sons, no laws, no amendments would be able to stop this.. And where would the common people go, when even policemen in these areas support the rules by Khap panchayats? Aren't laws baseless and purposeless in a country where the law makers just comment and promise a stricter action and policemen support the same law breakers in the name of tradition and honour? 

First of all, a strict action must be taken against all those panchayats  who actually announce the murders of young men and women.. There must be a police force against the same, with a duty to arrest the people responsible for killing.. Even a five year old kid must be knowing that these murders are illegal according to the law, then why don't the Khap panchayats come to an end?  How the hell do they have the right to announce death sentence to a couple just for marrying in the same gotra? 

In villages, people actually grow up hearing such cases.. They actually believe that this is right.. Call it lack of education, call it lack of awareness, call it ignorance, call it the dictatorship of the khap for power.. But, something needs to be done about it, merely educating the people is not a solution.. Moreover, no matter what you do, you cannot convince the elders of these villages..They must be behind the bars, instead of having the authority to announce death sentences for the youth of the nation.. 

Secondly, the Indian society is certainly responsible for this fanaticism, this psychology.. Indians, in general, give a hell lot of importance to religions, caste and above all their honour and reputation..As always, I would like to state the way I feel that the existence of religions, and the inter-religion, inter-caste hatred is responsible for most of the social evils..

Its high time that people should realize that castes and religions should not be taken as ways to discriminate, that adult boys and girls have the right to marry the person of their choice, irrespective of the community or religion, that society, tradition, reputation, honour cannot be above the lives of innocent girls and boys..

At the end, nothing at all can be above humanity or human rights..

All I could do was to write this blog as a concerned citizen.. Its a request to all the readers.. the next time you read a news pertaining to honour killing, dont just say, "Bahut bura hua, kitni sharmnaak baat hai".. You need to take an action, you need to create awareness, you need to rise above things like castes, religions, communities etc. You need to do something in this direction, for the society, for the country you are a part of, for the sake of the lives of those fellow Indians who are being killed in the name of honour..

This is all I had to say, all kinda comments are welcome..

Sonia Bhatia

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